What is the right thing?

This post may not make much sense to a lot of you, it also may not be my best writing and it may seen a bit jumbled and confused and for that I apologise. Its because I'm using this post as a way of trying to organise my own thoughts as they come. I'm hoping that by the end of it I'll have a clearer idea of the decisions I need to make.

Someone once told me that it isn't the choice that we fear, but it's the outcome. I never really understood that until now. When you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between two paths it's difficult. You could be happy with either choice in the beginning, but in the long term how can you possibly know how that choice will turn out? We try and predict the outcome of things. I've been trying to imagine conversations in my head about how things will go to the point where they're almost perfectly scripted. But having conversations in real life isn't like that, we don't get to choose how other people react and what they say and this only makes the choices more confusing. If we could just assume correctly it wouldn't be difficult, but we can't and it leaves us sort of blind.

Since we can't rely on other people to make these decisions for us and we can't predict any outcome we have to consider things that we can't always rely on. Our emotions. How we feel in our gut about something or someone is usually the only thing we can rely on at this point. Our emotions leave us vulnerable and they're raw. We don't necessarily like them either, which is how we know we can trust them. They're unavoidable and they're it's something we don't have a choice in. After we work out how we truly feel and after we admit that to ourselves, then we can start to decide what the right choice to make is.

If someone turned around and asked me what I thought the right thing to do was, I could answer them in a heartbeat. If someone asked me what I truly feel the right thing to do is, I can't say that I'd react in the same way. I have a tendency to try and ignore my emotional attachment to anything. A lot of the time I pretend that I don't care so much about anything even though deep down I know that I do (and so now does everyone reading this..) I don't like to get emotional, I hate crying and feeling things that I don't understand. Emotions terrify me so I shut them off. It makes it so much harder to work out what to do. I worry sometimes that If  really open up to people, I wont be able to stop. I pride myself on being a person that is there for everyone else, I don't like the thought of needing people and I try and deal with everything on my own. I guess that could be making it ever harder for me, I hate the idea of going to someone and asking them to talk it through with me. I don't like the thought that in that process I may admit something to another person that I hadn't even admitted to myself yet.

I believe that it's human nature to want to do the right thing. By this, I don't mean doing what is morally right, I mean doing what is right for ourselves which sometimes means that we have to be a little selfish. We want to make the choices that will give us the best outcome. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where it's really hard to determine which path we have to choose. I'm in one of those situations right now and I can safely say that it's not easy.

'Real integrity is doing the right thing knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not' - Oprah Winfrey

What is love?

A lot of people describe love as something that can't be controlled, an invisible force that pushes two people together for no particular reason. The may call it fate or destiny. It's never questioned. Nobody ever wonders why it happens, it's just assumed that hat's the way it is and we can spend our whole lives with a person and still assume our love for them is something that we can't control. In some cases I accept that this is really true. But I think if we look at the broader meaning of love, we can question whether it really is this invisible force, or something a lot simpler.

For me, love is about appreciating what is good about another person. It's about appreciating the aspects of them that a lot of people might not see. For this reason I believe love can be a choice. You can create it. If you focus on the good in another person (yes, everyone has some good in them) then you can learn to love them. We can choose to love something unconditionally without even knowing if it is real or not. Look at faith and religion. Look at how many people devote themselves to their faith and love their Gods, through choice even if around them people are saying that they shouldn't believe because there are so many flaws in their faith. Nobody has forced that view upon them, nobody can make them believe and love something but themselves. The same thing works with people, you can choose to black out the bad in someone completely, you can devote yourself to a person even if other people are telling you that you shouldn't. You choose to love that person regardless of what everyone else says.

Take this scenario. A man and woman have been married for 10 years and the marriage isn't working out anymore, they divorce, but they remain really good friends. Do they still love each other? Their relationship might have broken down yes, but does that necessarily mean that the love stops? At the end of a marriage different things can happen, the couple can decide that they still love each other and have a mutual understanding that although they feel that way, they've chosen to end the marriage but continue to love and respect one another OR the two parties can go at each others throats and decide that they don't love or want each other in their lives anymore. OR one party can choose to love the other party regardless of the fact that it's clear the other person doesn't feel that way.

If a friend does something to annoy you, you can still choose to love them rather than fall out with them over it. If you have a fight with your parents you can choose whether you love them or not afterwards, it's not a case of 'I have to love them, they're family' rather a 'I'm choosing to forgive them and love them again because....'. Love is a choice. It's a decision you make every single day, you can choose to continue to love someone, or you can decide that you can't or don't want to love them anymore. You can choose to keep seeing past all of their flaws or not to. More often than not, the imperfections to a person is something that is missed the most. I for one know that I miss the way that he leaves his clothes on the floor or the way he would curl up and kick me out off bed by accident. I know that no invisible force makes me feel that way, but rather the way I chose to see an imperfect person in a perfect way. It works the other way too. You can choose to let someone love you or not. I know that personally I have a lot of boundaries up when it comes to letting anyone close to me, but I chose to let myself be loved by someone and I chose to let them get to know me and get close to me. I chose to let my friends know me as they chose to let me know them. All of it is a choice, love is not an emotion or a feeling, but an action and a choice.

Social anxiety is not just 'being shy'...

I've had this blog in mind for a while, but never quite managed to structure it quite right. Hopefully, this will give some of you that aren't so aware an insight to what Social anxiety actually is and maybe how to help people deal with it.

It's very easy to miss the signs of social anxiety in a person, or dismiss anything that you can see as them just being shy. With friends who suffer from social anxiety disorder I understand how difficult it is for them to do every day things like going to the shops or sitting in a classroom. I also understand how hard it is when people just think they're being antisocial or rude when they choose not to go out or be a part of the group. Social anxiety isn't just feeling a little bit nervous around people, it can be an intense and overwhelming fear over the most every day occurrences that make life hard. People affected by it might also fear doing or saying something humiliating in public. Social anxiety can disrupt normal life in various ways. Relationships between people can be difficult to establish and in some cases between friends they can be strained. It can be hard to concentrate at school or work for fear of doing something embarrassing or feeling uncomfortable with the number and proximity of the people around you.

The signs of social anxiety include low self esteem, dreading every day activities such as working or even speaking on the phone, fear of criticism and avoiding eye contact with others. In many cases, a sufferer can feel like they're going crazy or feel like people are constantly looking at them. Substance abuse is common with those desperate to eradicate any sign of nervousness. Panic attacks are also a symptom of Social anxiety, people can be so overwhelmed and scared in social situations that their emotions build up. They can also have physical symptoms like sweating, nausea and heart palpitations. People with social anxiety can often suffer with other mental illnesses like Depression, GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), or PTS (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to help people who suffer with social anxiety, including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), supported self help, antidepressants and psychotherapy.

It can be really easy for people who don't know the signs of social anxiety to say things that are hurtful without realising. Sufferers don't want to hear 'What do YOU have to worry about?' and 'Stop being weird', because it's hard enough for them to come to terms with let alone trying to explain to other people. People who don't understand what social anxiety is can say, 'Pull yourself together or you'll look like an idiot' which just makes the sufferer feel worse. Possibly the worst thing that can be said is 'It's all in your head'. Yes, it's a mental illness. Yes, it's in your head and it's not physical, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt people. Saying that is like implying that the illness doesn't even exist or isn't important, which is just plain ridiculous. I can't stress this point enough, MENTAL ILLNESS MATTERS. Ignore the people who say otherwise, they clearly don't have a clue.

A letter to 16 year old me.

Dear Kershia,

Everything seems really hard right now. You just had that horrible break up, your exams are coming up, you still haven't figured out what to say in your sixth form interview. You're not even sure you want to go to sixth form. Your friends don't feel like your friends any more, you feel like the outsider. I know that right now you feel like giving up, but I'm here to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't. Because believe it or not, it really will get better.

You're going to do well in your exams, just start believing that you can do it. You're clever enough and you know it, stop doodling in maths lessons and listen to Mrs Petersen when she talks about Trigonometry, maybe then you won't find it so hard. I know you hate Maths, but it's useful. You like Chemistry, it kind of makes sense to know Maths too. It'll make you better! A for your English coursework, ignore what she thinks. Writing about what you believe is important shows you have passion and that can produce some brilliant writing. Don't doubt yourself or your work, because if it makes you happy then it's already the best work you can produce.

Sixth form seems like a really horrible option right now, I know that you just want to do drama. Drama is fine and it will do a lot of things for you, but don't forget that it's really hard to break into the industry. I know you love it, I wouldn't try and change your mind about choosing it because I know that it will do you some real good. You're not always going to be socially awkward, pretending to be someone else will help your confidence massively and you'll meet some people who share your love for drama. Plus, you need something to look forward to. When everything gets too much it's good to have an outlet. As for your other subjects, pick the things that you're good at, not the things that everyone else thinks you should pick. Yes, maths is useful, but realistically can you do it at a higher level?

Guys will continue to suck 99.9% of the time, I know it feels like your world has come crashing down and that you'll never feel that way again, but you will. Things heal over time, it wont hurt so much and you'll learn to love again. You'll even find someone that loves you. Don't be afraid to love them back, they're not going anywhere. It's hard to trust people, sometimes it's easy to shut them out completely at times and pretend they don't exist but that's not how the real world works. Remember this, some people can be trusted, the world isn't all bad. Enjoy being in love. Sometimes you'll be confused, you'll think that you don't know what you want and that's okay. Take some time for yourself to work it out. Don't forget that you need time to be yourself and think about what you need too.

Sadly, friends are disposable. Pretty soon you're going to feel very, very alone. Don't do what you feel you need to do right now. It wont make anything go away. You can't forget about something completely with faded reminders on you. You're better than that. If people don't want to treat you right as a friend then they aren't worth holding on to. Don't pretend you're something you aren't to get friends either. Keeping up that image is hard work and your 'friends' won't know the real you. It's not worth faking who you are. It'll make you miserable, you wont be able to tell anyone your sad because the reason is you're lying to make them like you. Be yourself, one day you're going to meet an amazing bunch of people, they're going to love you and care about you and you can trust them. You might not feel like it but you can. One more thing about friends, you'll be surprised who your closest friend is. Don't let them go.

Some of this probably doesn't make sense to you right now, until you get to various points in your life you wont understand. Rest assured that you're going to make it. You're going to be great, start believing it.

Yours,

You.

P.S Don't give up singing, it's part of who you are.

Yes, it's been a month but....

I'm really sorry for sucking with blogs lately to anyone that does actually read them, I've been working through some personal issues and haven't really had the time to think about anything other than how I'm going to get by. I'm back now though, things have improved somewhat and I finally feel like I can get myself back on track again.

This time I want to talk about judgement. People are so quick to judge others, even if they have absolutely no idea who that person is. Example? Today I was walking through town and I saw three pretty young girls walk past me, I heard one of them mention the scarring on my arm and then heard another say "dirty tramp". I didn't even know them and I'm not going to lie, it hurt. Yes, I have scars. Normally I would do my best to hide them, but it was a warm day and I felt like wearing a sleeveless top. Why should I have to hide my body for fear of getting judged by others? I don't want to walk around in jumpers for the rest of my life.  Now I understand that it might be hard for people to understand why I have the scars, but that is no reason for them to call me names and say hurtful things.

My scars are a constant reminder of a part of my life where I felt really low. I don't particularly like having them there, I regret that they happened. But I'm not ashamed of them, because I'm not ashamed to say that yeah,  I felt low. It's not a crime to feel sad, is it? It took a long time for me to feel secure and happy enough to wear the clothes that I liked, even now I still have days where I look in the mirror and feel repulsed by what I see, but those days are becoming less frequent now.

Since coming to uni I don't think I've actually had anything horrible said about me like that, so it kind of came as a shock. I was getting used to feeling comfortable about my body and getting to a point where I didn't mind wearing figure hugging clothes again, or maybe getting my arms and legs out. It felt like a kick to the gut. But, seeing as I'd recieved similar comments the rest of my life, I just took it on the chin, held my head high and told myself that they didn't know me and that they were stupid naive little kids.

I don't particularly care about it, but it made me realise that so many people must go through it. So many people cover up their bodies because they are scared of what people will say and think of them and to them I say this, you are beautiful. Don't cover yourself up, don't be ashamed of the choices that you made. You shouldn't be ashamed that you felt depressed or alone. Nobody reserves the right to judge you on it, if people don't understand or don't like the way that you look, fuck them. It's your life, it's your body.  Love yourself for who you are not who anybody tells you to be.

People who don't follow the latest fashion trends or don't style their hair every day, or wear clashing colours or the same pair of trainers over and over again are still people. If that is how they choose to dress and live their life then the shouldn't be judged. If men choose to wear "female" clothes or vice versa, they shouldn't be judged. If someone wants to dye their hair bright blue and run around wearing gold lamé trousers then we shouldnt judge them. If we were more accepting of the things that make people happy, the world would be a much better place.

Watch your drinks

I had another blog lined up to post this week, but a lot has happened since then so I apologise but I really feel that I need to say this.

When we see things happening in the news, it's very easy to assume that the horrible things that they talk about will never happen to you. It's a naive way of looking at life and yet we all do it. I know because until very recently I did the same thing. My closest friend was spiked in a club a few days back. To see something like that happen to someone you love is frightening. You never think it'll happen to them or you, you just assume that because you're all together that nothing could go wrong. You don't realise that actually people are always in danger of this, not matter how careful they are. You certainly don't expect to feel the way I do now four days later. Right now, I'm struggling to eat and when I try to sleep I remember that night and I wake up terrified and can't sleep any more, I don't know why it's hit me so hard. I don't know if it's because of who it was that got spiked,  the fact that I couldn't do anything about it, or the fact that I remember everything that was said and remember feeling that I couldn't give any real reassurance. It's more than likely a combination of all of these things. What it's made me realise though is what's really important to me, it highlighted just how much I care about my friends and the lengths I would go to to keep them safe. Things like this really do happen.

I can handle difficult situations at the best of times, but when it hit me that actually this could have killed them I found it hard to keep myself together. I went into shock and started to panic and I genuinely started to think the worst as the night went on. I also started to think that it could have happened to me which is terrifying, after all when a girl is spiked it's usually for one reason. It was a scary experience, things were said that I wish I couldn't remember and someone was hurting and I couldn't take that pain away. Yes, I was lucky enough to not be the person that was spiked, but it could just as easily have happened to me or anyone. So if you are reading this PLEASE for the sake of your own safety and for the sanity of people like me, Don't leave drinks unattended. Don't let anyone give you a drink. Go nowhere without someone you know all the time. Be careful and try to drink responsibly. I don't want to see this happen again to someone I know, especially not someone I care about as much as I do for my friend.

Just to clarify, this happened to a male friend. Yes, guys get spiked too.

Know what you're talking about before you speak.

This has to be one of the few things that really frustrates me. People that feel it is alright to have an opinion on something they know absolutely nothing about. In all honestly, this was something I used to do a lot, about games or films or music just so I could keep up with the 'in' crowd at school which doesn't annoy me so much. What does though, is when people have an opinion on medical problems that they don't understand and they can often say some hurtful things.

Someone said a couple of days ago that "Depression is the way you choose to look at things, you could choose to be happy if you wanted to'. Clearly, this person (whose name I wont mention) knows nothing about Depression yet somehow feels that it's okay to have this opinion. I don't know whether they just fabricated their own idea of what depression is, but this is completely untrue. People don't choose to be happy or sad any more than they can choose who they love. You cannot force yourself to be happy and more than the people around you can. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to be unhappy? Even if you don't know anything about the topic itself, common sense should tell you that much.

This person also went on to say 'You just have to think positively to deal with it'. Now this confirms to me that they really don't fully understand this problem. Happy thoughts aren't a cure for depression any more than a kitkat could cure cancer. Sure, it might make you feel a little better, but in the long term it isn't enough to fix the problem. Picture for me a scale, with books on one side representing all the negativity you may be feeling. On the other end a feather, representing all the happy thoughts you have. The good that happy thoughts can do are minute in comparison to the amount of negativity a person can feel. Not only that, but to try and think so positively all the time is exhausting. Depression is caused by a lack of the chemical Seratonin, it isn't something we can turn on and off. People with depression do know how to be happy, they are able to laugh and joke, it's the times when they can't do that where it becomes an issue.

Someone else genuinely asked "Why are people depressed for?", to me it's suggesting again that people have the choice to be depressed. We can all be happy, sad, confused etc. for no reason. Why does it become a choice with depression? The same person also seemed to believe that "People our age don't get depressed". It was at this point that I lost all faith in younger people and face-palmed so hard my face can still feel it. Naturally, I then tried to think of reasonable explanations for it. Maybe this person was just completely unaware of depression as a illness, maybe he just didn't want to talk about how he actually felt, maybe he was just acting up in front of his friends. I wanted to know what real access to information about depression this person had had, I then found out one of their parents was a GP. Yes, one of his parents actually is a doctor, and still this person seemed to know nothing. They were so naive that they actually said "suicidal people are stupid." I don't even think I need to discuss that one. I just feel bad that young people are not fully educated about things like mental illness, to the point where they don't even acknowledge they exist. I'm not angry at this person, I'm just sad that they haven't got the information to make a proper assessment.

All I can say now is this. If you want to have an opinion on a medical issue, read up on it first. Make sure you know what you're talking about. If you don't you could say things that seriously offend people and in turn make you look like a horrible person. You could become that person that just doesn't get it, and who is going to want to ask you for help if they're suffering?

Value

To start with, I'll apologise for being terrible at this lately! I've had a fair bit of work to do and obviously had to get my priorities sorted before blogging! This is a shorter blog but I hope to have another one up by sunday!

This time, I want to talk about value. What do we value the most? Is it materialistic things? People? Ourselves? I ask this because lately I've struggled to remember what really matters most. After a lot of thinking, I've come to this conclusion. As much I want to say that my own happiness and my own well being is my priority, I can't say that. Because I don't care about what happens to me so much. As for gadgets and clothes and money, I could live without them even though to have them is great. What I value most of all is the people around me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the influence of every person in my life right now. My boyfriend, my best friends, my parents, my sister, all the people I consider to be as close as family. They are the thing I value most in this world.

A lot of people say that I should focus on myself and that nobody else's needs should come before that. To that I say, you're wrong. To help other people and to make sure that those people are happy is what drives me to not give up with everything I have achieved. They are what makes me happy. My needs are secondary to this. If someone is feeling down, I'm there. I don't need anyone to be there in return, that isn't why I do it. I do it because I want to. Maybe I should care more about myself, but I don't. Think of that what you will but  know this, if you need me, I'm a message a phone call or in some cases, a door away. I'd be there for you like a shot.

Short blog I know but for anyone that reads this, I wanted to pose the question to you. What do you value most in life? 

Self harm

First and foremost I want to make the point that self harm IS NOT something done to seek attention, though some naive and desperate people will do so for this reason. However, It's so much more serious than that. Self harm can be the need to feel pain, because of what's happening around you or how you feel on the inside. It is a lonely, frightening and horrible thing for a person to have to go through and as a person who saw it happening to the people around me it was equally distressing. For this blog, i'm going to talk about some of the experiences I had with self harm and for reasons anonymity I'm using different names.

My first real experience with self harm was when I was 13-14. Imagine how it might feel to see cuts and scars appearing on your friend's arms, stomach and legs and not knowing what on earth you could possibly do to help them. As  person that strives to help people, it was really emotionally difficult to see that happening to someone I cared so much about. At first, I didn't understand what was happening and I asked them straight out "Jess what happened to your arms?". I always got the same responses. It was either "Nothing" or "My cats". Looking back I feel like I should have realised immediately what was going on, but as a naive kid who didn't know any better I accepted these excuses because what else could I do? It may sound stupid now, but one night when I got home, I googled 'My friend has cuts on her arm'. The first thing I did was cry when I realised what she'd been doing. Then I was angry at myself for not realising it. Eventually, I couldn't keep ignoring the cuts that seemed to be getting worse and I went to my head of year at school and told them what I had seen. Sometimes even now I wonder if i did the right thing, because doing that made a lot of people stop trusting me and I lost a lot of friends. But as I learned how serious self harm can get, I keep telling myself that I did do the right thing. After all, Jess is still here even if we don't talk any more.

As I got older I realised that looking 'pretty' and being skinny was important, especially in school. Something I learned very quickly was that other people can be really cruel if you give them reason. If you were slightly overweight, you were fat and they would remind you of that every day. If your hair was a mess or you wore it a way that they didn't like, you were ugly and they would remind you of that too. It was really hard to try and figure out what I wanted to be when that was being dictated to me by everyone else. It was important to have friends to me, and if that meant I had to be unhappy then I would do it. After all, it was better to have friends then to be alone. You weren't such an easy target that way. However I soon learned that people would still be mean if you weren't as popular or pretty as them and a lot of horrible things happened to me. A rumour went round that I was gay, and people wouldn't come anywhere near me. I was called fat, ugly, stupid and various other names every single day. Eventually, you start to believe those things. I hated myself so much because I felt like I would never fit in, it got to the point where it felt like no matter how many friends I had I was alone and that nobody understood how it felt. One night it got too much for me and I started to take it out on myself.

This happened for a while and I kept it from everyone. I didn't trust people enough to keep it a secret. I went through it on my own, and I came out the other side on my own I realised that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. My 'friends' weren't really real friends, I stopped caring about whether other people liked what I wore, whether I wore make up, what my hair looked like, how much I weighed, or indeed my sexual orientation. If they wanted to believe I was gay then I'd let them, because what's actually wrong with being gay anyway?. What they saw as my 'flaws' made me who I am today. Let me tell you, It's a lot easier to get on with your life if you're comfortable with yourself.

Don't let other people define you, your happiness is more important than every other person's opinion in the world. I went through it on my own but that doesn't mean that you should. If anyone reading this blog wants to talk about their own problems, I promise I'll help you as much as I can. If anyone reading this had the view that this is just a cry for attention, or that it's used to be 'cool' and fit in with the crowd then I hope I've managed to make you see that in many cases it really isn't.

If anyone has any questions, needs some advice, just wants a friendly chat or wants a request for another blog then please, email me at Kershiafield@hotmail.co.uk or contact me via facebook!

Mental Illness

After a request from a friend i've been asked to do a blog post about Mental illness. At first I didn't want to do this, Mental illness is something that I've have to deal with personally and externally my whole life I'm not going to talk about every illness because there isn't enough time in the day, but I will be picking out the ones closest to me and things I have experienced. My own personal experiences of it have been terrifying at times and this blog is probably the most difficult I've had to write. 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental illness. Just let that sink in, how many of your friends or family do you think have suffered? It's a frightening statistic that gets scarier as time goes by.

Depression is the most common mental illness and affects 17 million people every year.1 in 33 children suffer from depression as do 1 in 8 teenagers. Forms of depression include  Dysthymia, Bi-polar, Post-natal depression and Seasonal Affective disorder. A lot of people think that Depression isn't a real illness and that it just means you're in a bad mood or feeling melancholic. Let me tell you this, it isn't like that at all. It can begin that way, especially in teen years but often this passes. When it lingers however and it begins to affect you life in drastic ways, this is when it can be diagnosed as clinical depression. For me, it was a constant feeling of worthlessness, that I was never going to amount to anything. Everything seemed bleak and it was difficult to find pleasure in things that I used to. It interfered with my sleeping and eating patterns and I found it hard to find anything that made me believe that it was worth trying to keep going. People think that you can just snap out of it, or that you're just being stupid but that isn't true either. Depression is a proven medical issue caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain. It is hard to deal with and it is easy to push away anyone who wants to help you deal with it. I lost friends and I almost lost my boyfriend because of it. I've seen it affect my friends before and it's hard to watch them suffer without knowing how to help them.

With Depression often (but not always) comes Anxiety. Research suggests that as many as 1 in 6 young people will suffer from anxiety at some point in their lives. In America, 40 million people suffer with some sort of anxiety disorder and it is estimated that only a third of these people get treatment. That means almost 25 million people in America alone are suffering in silence. Anxiety can also come in different forms such as Social Anxiety, phobias, Post-traumatic stress and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Anxiety isn't something that can be controlled, it isn't an 'over-reaction' as it is often perceived. It can make people imagine that things in their lives are much worse than they actually are and can sometimes stop people from confronting their fear. It's like being in a constant state of worry. The physical symptoms of it can include increased heart rate, 'jelly legs', shaking, dry mouth, nausea, hyperventilation, dizziness and difficulty breathing. The psychological symptoms include, feeling like you're losing control, thinking you might die, feeling like people are looking at you all the time, feeling like you want to run away and escape, feeling detached from the environment and the people around you, feeling on edge. On a personal level, I have seen people have to deal with the more difficult forms of anxiety and have been there through the difficult times. I've seen people have panic attacks, break down in tears shaking, telling me that they don't know how to deal with it. From this perspective alone, it is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to deal with, I can hardly imagine how hard it must be to be suffering from it.

The final thing I want to talk about is eating disorders and body dysmorphia. Until recently this was something i'd turned a blind eye to, I didn't understand it, until recently I didn't think I knew anyone that suffered from it but I was shocked to find it was closer to me than i ever thought. Eating disorders can often go hand in hand with Anxiety and/or depression. They can be triggered things including, a traumatic experience, stressful situations or having a history of eating disorders or substance abuse in the family. Anorexia and Bulimia are the most well known eating disorders. Anorexia usually develops between the ages of 16-17 and affects 1 in 250 women and 1 in 2000 men. Bulimia normally develops later between the ages of 18-19 and around 90 percent of its sufferers are female. Many people who have an eating disorder will not seek help because they don't believe that anything is wrong with them. They just think that their weight is an issue and set out to deal with it. Anorexia and Bulimia can be easily hidden in it's early stages and in many cases are not noticed until it begins to seriously affect the health of the sufferer to the point where it can cause death. Recovery can take a long time, and things like Counselling and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy play a huge part in the recovery process. When I found out that a close friend of mine was suffering this way it was a very sobering experience.

They say that you don't fully understand something until it's happening in front of you and I can not emphisise enough how true this is. Too many people have a lack of understanding of mental illness, a lot of people think that just because you can't physically see the effects of the illness, that it doesn't class as one. Others think that mental illnesses are just cries for attention. They aren't, mental illnesses are a serious problem affecting more and more people each year. The mind is one of the scariest and terrible things at times, how long before people realise that these illnesses can not be helped? How long before we start to do something about the millions of people suffering in silence every day?

It's not a choice.

A friend of mine was talking to me today about her faith and her views about being gay. Her claim was that it is a choice that is made by the person alone and that it is still considered to be a sin. Now I have every respect for her faith, in fact I think that faith is a wonderful thing to have, but when it come to this subject matter I can't understand how people can still accept this.

In a lot of ways it upsets me that people still believe that being gay is a choice someone makes. If you believe in the idea that 'you cannot choose who you fall in love with' for the opposite gender then how can you suggest that because you fall in love with someone of the same sex all of sudden you have chosen to do so? I didn't choose to fall in love with a male any more than my female friend fell in love with a woman. Love is an emotion that makes the human race very flawed. It is the one thing that we have no control over, desire isn't a thing that we can turn on and off.

The idea that you can do such a thing baffles me. If this were the case, we would settle for the first person that we 'chose'. It suggests that you can never fall in love with anyone else because we can choose not to do so. It is entirely possible to love more than one person and more often than not it causes heartbreak. We don't choose to fall in love with someone else because as I said before, love isn't a thing that you can control.

Dr Christian Jessen (Embarrassing bodies) is openly gay, he has recently filmed a documentary called 'Cure me, I'm gay' in which he goes undercover claiming he wants to be cured and tries out various 'cures' to see what would happen. Some of the 'treatments' he received were frankly horrific. In one clip he is made to drink a syrup that would make him sick, then put in a room with pictures of naked men and a recording telling him what a disgusting person he was for 'choosing' to be that way. At first, I didn't understand why people would put themselves through that. Then I realised, it's because of the view that homosexuality is a sin. People torture themselves this way because of this view, and the desire to be accepted is a strong one.

The beauty of love is that we don't understand it, we can't explain why it happens, we can't explain why we love. I to this day can't explain the love I feel for my boyfriend, I just accept that it happened. I didn't choose for it to happen, I had no idea that it would. Why is it okay for opposite genders to feel that for each other but not two people of the same?

There isn't a 'cure' for being gay. You can't change who people are.  Let love exist, whether it be between two men, two women, an man and woman, transgenders, transexuals, genderqueer, bisexuals, asexuals, pansexuals and whoever else. Everyone deserves to love freely, not to be forced otherwise.

Sexism towards men...

I wasn't going to do a post about sexism because it's not something i ever personally felt strongly about. But, since my essay is about sexism and it seems that I can't really get away from the subject, I've decided to address the topic properly regardless of anyone's thoughts. I have accepted that sexism is always going to exist. And by sexism, I mean discrimination towards BOTH genders. I think it's sort of sad how people think of sexism and automatically assume it means discrimination towards only women. Are women the only sex? No. this affects men just as much and that's what I want to talk about.

Why can men only take 2 weeks paternity leave when a woman a year? This marginalises the role of fathers and denies them the opportunity to take an equal share in the role of parenting. It is a piece of legislation which further perpetuates the stereotype of man as breadwinner and woman as carer. Why can't we scrap the terms all together and call it 'parental leave'? That way responsibility could be shared between both parents. Why is it if a man can't afford to pay child support he's seen as a lowlife waste of space whereas if it's a woman who can't support her child people take pity? Who decided that this meant that men didn't care about their children if they couldn't pay?

What about health? 40,000 men are diagnosed with Prostate cancer every year, compared to the 48,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer. Why is breast cancer awareness and campaigning recognised more than Prostate cancer? It's also a little known face that Prostate cancer research receives less funding than Breast cancer does...

My final point is this. Statistics show that men are on average 3-5 times more likely to commit suicide than women. In fact it is the biggest killer of young men in the UK. There is a lot of pressure on men to be the ;breadwinner'. To be financially secure, to support families. If a man is unemployed I believe that it would affect him more than it would a woman in a similar situation (of course, there are exceptions!) I think that a lot of men would find it difficult to speak up about problems they're having. It's not easy to talk about thinks lke anxiety, depression and emotional termoil as it is, but with the generalisation that men are the less sensitive of the genders, i think it'd be harder for them to come forward and admit them. It's seen as their weakness and failure as a 'man'.

Finding my place

I was told that there's a moment in you life when things just slot into place.I never believed it. I thought i was going to be the person who just drifted and never really did anything  productive with her life. But all of a sudden in the space of 24 hours I feel like my life has slotted into place and I know what i want to do and be.

I would love to teach, but i don't think I would have felt as fulfilled as a person if I go ahead and do so. I want fun and excitement and to feel like I'm making a change in the world. Yes teaching would give me that, but to be involved with the law and the criminal justice system? That fills me with so much excitement that i've hardly stopped talking about it all day! I want to do forensic linguistics.. code breaking and looking at how language is used to cover up crime! How exciting does that sound?!

Everything that seemed to go right today, and things really seem to be looking up!

Drunkeness

At the moment, nights out are becoming more attractive. The idea of actually dealing with all the work and problems and everything that's on my mind is daunting. It's become easier for me to just drink them away for the night and forget that they exist. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get rid of these feelings without making a total prat of myself in the process.

I never intend to drink so much in the beginning, does anyone? But pre-drinking 2 ciders and 4 shots on an empty stomach is never the way to go. So we get to the club at midnight and have another 2 vodka and cokes because they're only £2 each and my friends owe me drinks. By this point my vision is blurred and there is what I think might be a really attractive guy giving me the eye.Sleaze. I collapse on to the sofa in a fit of giggles as a couple of my friends are taking selfies of their best sexy faces. I neck my drink because I think it might stop me thinking about the presentation I have to give tomorrow and the assignment that I need to hand in at 10am. For a little while, I'm having a great time.

The club rooms open and we all squeal and jump up tottering towards the sound of David Guetta, or it might have been Nicki Minaj I couldn't care less, I just want to dance. The room is smoky and I can't see properly, the dancefloor lights up 70s style and me and the girls are dancing in our own little circle. Various sleazy men try and dance with us, I keep an eye on everyone and I'm fully prepared to take a swing at somebody if they try anything with my friends. 

More shots and WKDs later somewhere around 2.30am I start to feel nauseous and I can barely stand up. I wander over to one of the couches and collapse onto it breathing heavily and I'm disorientated by the bright lights and heavy bass. It's at that point that it hits me, what am I doing here? I don't particularly want to be here, I shouldn't have come out. It was fun at the start, it always is. But then the reasons that you were drinking come in to play and you find yourself feeling worse if you were doing it for the wrong reasons anyway.

I'll never learn.

Ways of dealing with illness

So for the first time in over a year now, i'm ill. I must admit, I'd forgotten what it felt like as well as how to deal with it. I've only got a cold granted, but this cold feels like it's taking over my body and turning me into a vegetable. I've only had it for three days, and on day one I sat down and made a list of all the things I would need and what I was going to do with myself. It went something like this...

Things I need

1. Olbas oil
2. Honey and Lemons
3. Menthol cough sweets
4. A tub of ice cream
5. Some chocolate
6. Some cake based food
7. Various gossip magazines
8. Laze around in bed all day doing nothing/watching TV

My point is this, why do we feel the need to buy things we don't actually need when we're ill? It isn't going to make us feel any better. I don't think reading the lurid details of some celebrities sordid affair is going to clear my blocked nose. Eating a lot of cake and chocolate wont stop my head pounding. In actual fact it'll probably just make me feel sick. So why do we do it?

Simple. We want an excuse to indulge and have the things that we normally feel bad about having. The excuse, 'I don't feel very well' has got us out of numerous things, when we were children it would get us the day off school, or even just not doing P.E. It makes our partners spoil us rotten, it makes our parents feel bad and try to baby us. We love it, we crave attention. As a species we have to be the most selfish beings on the planet, any excuse to think about ourselves and treat ourselves "for a change" and we'll take it.

So instead of doing that, i'm going to do this from now on. I'm going to get up out of bed, shower and get dressed and go and get some fresh air. I'm going to give money to a homeless person, put change in a charity box, do that thing or a friend that I was going to do last week, give blood, run a marathon. Lazing around wanting people to feel sorry for us isn't how we feel better. It's going out there and doing things for the people that are worse off and helping others that make us feel good. Remember this, it could always be worse!

Lets try this thing again...

Evening all, welcome to what I hope is a much improved version of my 2007 "bbypinkprincess" blog. Yes I really called it that, but who didn't use awful cringe-worthy names at the age of 12? I don't actually know WHY I had a blog back then, considering I struggled to even describe what blogging was until I was around sixteen and got laughed at by my friend for knowing nothing about the modern world. Thankfully, I've learned a few things since then. I got myself into university and continued my full time job as a professional procrastinator, put on more weight than i'm entirely comfortable with and can say i'm reasonable content with life. I'm sure that it's obvious i've never done this before so I shall start with an introduction. I'm Kershia Janet May Linda Field, I'm 19 years old, I'm originally from Reading but moved to Derby when I was 3 or 4, I'm 5"8 (and I'm adamant that i'll get taller), I have naturally brown hair but it gets dyed whenever I get bored, I'm also a full time student at De Montfort University studying English Language and Creative Writing.

What do I want to do with my life? I want to teach children. When I was growing up I relied on my teacher so much. I saw them as role models, in some cases I considered them friends and people that I knew I could trust. When I passed all my GCSEs three years ago, My maths teacher at the time said I had made her day, that nothing brought her more joy than seeing someone who had struggled with the subject do really well. That's what I want. I want kids to look at me and say, I really like her because she helped me to get where I am today. I want to help educate the Doctors and Lawyers and Hairdressers and Builders of the future and I want to be remembered as the teacher that everyone loved. I love children, I love to watch them grow and learn and try new things and find out who they are. Nothing would make me happier than to be a part of it.

So that's me in a nutshell, I'm sure you'll learn more about me as I start to blog properly. I'm going to try and do so at least twice a week, but given my ability to procrastinate.... we'll see!