Thursday 22 September 2016

And we're back.

Okay, I'm going to try to not be terrible at this again. It's good to be back on the radar! So much has happened since I've last posted so i'd better start trying to get everyone up to speed.

Hello! I'm still here. Yes I know I haven't posted in almost 12 months, yes I know I suck. I'm going to do better in future I promise! A lot of things have happened in the last few months, things that I hadn't totally come to terms with, so I found it quite difficult to write. However, in the next coming weeks I'll be posting regularly about the things I've been up to and sharing some experience with you all.

I suppose I should start with leaving De Montfort University in June. That was a tough choice and admittedly at the time I was completely unsure if it was the right one, considering I was pretty much on track to nail every class. I've spent a lot of time wondering whether I completely messed up, but the truth of it is that I was not happy. Sure, I loved my friends, I loved having my own space, I loved being part of my Acapella group, but I got to a point where I hated the city. I hated the best part of my course and I didn't see the point in any of it. I was miserable and paying £9000 a year to maintain that level of sadness. Pointless right? Seems like a no brainer, and yet after leaving and moving away to start a fresh in a totally new city, I couldn't shake this feeling that I had screwed up colossally.

Why? Why did stopping the one thing that was making me unhappy make me feel even worse? Because I had known nothing but the education system for the best part of my life, and I had been trained to believe that I had to have that education to be successful because otherwise I was nothing. I'd had it drilled into my head for so long that a degree was the key to my happiness, but being at uni depressed me. I felt like a failure for not "just getting on with it" as so many people advised me because "it would all be worth it in the end" but the truth was, I didn't even want it. I went to uni because my school made me fill out an application form  the second they realised I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at 17/18.

 After leaving, there was an immediate relief, and then the fear of real life set in. For a really long time nothing had any purpose to it. I just existed. I switched off without realising. It was almost like I left everything that made me "Kershia". All my ambition, every goal. In my mind they were now unattainable because I had chosen to leave. I couldn't be excited about being in a new city, I couldn't be excited about being 21 and having my whole life ahead of me because in my mind, it was already over and I might as well settle for mediocrity. I cooked, I cleaned, I slept. I fell into a monotonous and depressed cycle and in my mind all I could think of was that everyone who had ever doubted me was right. I failed.

Depression sneaks up on you and it's a real bitch. You don't realise it half the time and that makes it so much harder to pull yourself up out of a slump. I stopped noticing all the good things in my life and eventually everything I saw was through a negative lens. Everything felt impossible. I had every opportunity staring me in the face and all I could think about was how much I hated being here, and how much I missed Leicester yet when I visited it didn't feel like home, not really. I didn't even see the effect that my behaviour was having on the people closest to me which meant that when I jeopardised my personal relationships, I didn't even see it.

It took almost losing the closest person to me to make me realise I didn't know who I was anymore. That I'd given up all of my ambitions for no reason other than I thought that's what I had to do to be happy I had become a different person, forgetting that actually I was still good at things even though I wasn't at university anymore. In that moment I decided that degree or no degree, no matter what was thrown in my way I would accomplish every goal I had set for myself. Sure, it might have been easier with a piece of paper that says "Hey, look at how good I can do this thing!" but it's not necessary. In realising that, I finally stopped the one thing standing in my way, myself. I am simply taking a different path to the same destination.

The biggest thing I've learned in the last 6 months is that it's not institutions that define you, it's not people. It's not relationships. It's not family. It's not disability. It's not mental health. It's your aspirations, the belief in your own potential and the realisation that in life you have limitless possibilities. It sounds corny, but when one door closes another door really does open. It just took me a little longer to find the next bloody door.

As always I'm contactable by email kershiafield@hotmail.co.uk or Twitter @itsonlykershia to talk to anyone who has had similar experiences! Until next time!