What is love?

A lot of people describe love as something that can't be controlled, an invisible force that pushes two people together for no particular reason. The may call it fate or destiny. It's never questioned. Nobody ever wonders why it happens, it's just assumed that hat's the way it is and we can spend our whole lives with a person and still assume our love for them is something that we can't control. In some cases I accept that this is really true. But I think if we look at the broader meaning of love, we can question whether it really is this invisible force, or something a lot simpler.

For me, love is about appreciating what is good about another person. It's about appreciating the aspects of them that a lot of people might not see. For this reason I believe love can be a choice. You can create it. If you focus on the good in another person (yes, everyone has some good in them) then you can learn to love them. We can choose to love something unconditionally without even knowing if it is real or not. Look at faith and religion. Look at how many people devote themselves to their faith and love their Gods, through choice even if around them people are saying that they shouldn't believe because there are so many flaws in their faith. Nobody has forced that view upon them, nobody can make them believe and love something but themselves. The same thing works with people, you can choose to black out the bad in someone completely, you can devote yourself to a person even if other people are telling you that you shouldn't. You choose to love that person regardless of what everyone else says.

Take this scenario. A man and woman have been married for 10 years and the marriage isn't working out anymore, they divorce, but they remain really good friends. Do they still love each other? Their relationship might have broken down yes, but does that necessarily mean that the love stops? At the end of a marriage different things can happen, the couple can decide that they still love each other and have a mutual understanding that although they feel that way, they've chosen to end the marriage but continue to love and respect one another OR the two parties can go at each others throats and decide that they don't love or want each other in their lives anymore. OR one party can choose to love the other party regardless of the fact that it's clear the other person doesn't feel that way.

If a friend does something to annoy you, you can still choose to love them rather than fall out with them over it. If you have a fight with your parents you can choose whether you love them or not afterwards, it's not a case of 'I have to love them, they're family' rather a 'I'm choosing to forgive them and love them again because....'. Love is a choice. It's a decision you make every single day, you can choose to continue to love someone, or you can decide that you can't or don't want to love them anymore. You can choose to keep seeing past all of their flaws or not to. More often than not, the imperfections to a person is something that is missed the most. I for one know that I miss the way that he leaves his clothes on the floor or the way he would curl up and kick me out off bed by accident. I know that no invisible force makes me feel that way, but rather the way I chose to see an imperfect person in a perfect way. It works the other way too. You can choose to let someone love you or not. I know that personally I have a lot of boundaries up when it comes to letting anyone close to me, but I chose to let myself be loved by someone and I chose to let them get to know me and get close to me. I chose to let my friends know me as they chose to let me know them. All of it is a choice, love is not an emotion or a feeling, but an action and a choice.

Social anxiety is not just 'being shy'...

I've had this blog in mind for a while, but never quite managed to structure it quite right. Hopefully, this will give some of you that aren't so aware an insight to what Social anxiety actually is and maybe how to help people deal with it.

It's very easy to miss the signs of social anxiety in a person, or dismiss anything that you can see as them just being shy. With friends who suffer from social anxiety disorder I understand how difficult it is for them to do every day things like going to the shops or sitting in a classroom. I also understand how hard it is when people just think they're being antisocial or rude when they choose not to go out or be a part of the group. Social anxiety isn't just feeling a little bit nervous around people, it can be an intense and overwhelming fear over the most every day occurrences that make life hard. People affected by it might also fear doing or saying something humiliating in public. Social anxiety can disrupt normal life in various ways. Relationships between people can be difficult to establish and in some cases between friends they can be strained. It can be hard to concentrate at school or work for fear of doing something embarrassing or feeling uncomfortable with the number and proximity of the people around you.

The signs of social anxiety include low self esteem, dreading every day activities such as working or even speaking on the phone, fear of criticism and avoiding eye contact with others. In many cases, a sufferer can feel like they're going crazy or feel like people are constantly looking at them. Substance abuse is common with those desperate to eradicate any sign of nervousness. Panic attacks are also a symptom of Social anxiety, people can be so overwhelmed and scared in social situations that their emotions build up. They can also have physical symptoms like sweating, nausea and heart palpitations. People with social anxiety can often suffer with other mental illnesses like Depression, GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), or PTS (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to help people who suffer with social anxiety, including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), supported self help, antidepressants and psychotherapy.

It can be really easy for people who don't know the signs of social anxiety to say things that are hurtful without realising. Sufferers don't want to hear 'What do YOU have to worry about?' and 'Stop being weird', because it's hard enough for them to come to terms with let alone trying to explain to other people. People who don't understand what social anxiety is can say, 'Pull yourself together or you'll look like an idiot' which just makes the sufferer feel worse. Possibly the worst thing that can be said is 'It's all in your head'. Yes, it's a mental illness. Yes, it's in your head and it's not physical, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt people. Saying that is like implying that the illness doesn't even exist or isn't important, which is just plain ridiculous. I can't stress this point enough, MENTAL ILLNESS MATTERS. Ignore the people who say otherwise, they clearly don't have a clue.

A letter to 16 year old me.

Dear Kershia,

Everything seems really hard right now. You just had that horrible break up, your exams are coming up, you still haven't figured out what to say in your sixth form interview. You're not even sure you want to go to sixth form. Your friends don't feel like your friends any more, you feel like the outsider. I know that right now you feel like giving up, but I'm here to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't. Because believe it or not, it really will get better.

You're going to do well in your exams, just start believing that you can do it. You're clever enough and you know it, stop doodling in maths lessons and listen to Mrs Petersen when she talks about Trigonometry, maybe then you won't find it so hard. I know you hate Maths, but it's useful. You like Chemistry, it kind of makes sense to know Maths too. It'll make you better! A for your English coursework, ignore what she thinks. Writing about what you believe is important shows you have passion and that can produce some brilliant writing. Don't doubt yourself or your work, because if it makes you happy then it's already the best work you can produce.

Sixth form seems like a really horrible option right now, I know that you just want to do drama. Drama is fine and it will do a lot of things for you, but don't forget that it's really hard to break into the industry. I know you love it, I wouldn't try and change your mind about choosing it because I know that it will do you some real good. You're not always going to be socially awkward, pretending to be someone else will help your confidence massively and you'll meet some people who share your love for drama. Plus, you need something to look forward to. When everything gets too much it's good to have an outlet. As for your other subjects, pick the things that you're good at, not the things that everyone else thinks you should pick. Yes, maths is useful, but realistically can you do it at a higher level?

Guys will continue to suck 99.9% of the time, I know it feels like your world has come crashing down and that you'll never feel that way again, but you will. Things heal over time, it wont hurt so much and you'll learn to love again. You'll even find someone that loves you. Don't be afraid to love them back, they're not going anywhere. It's hard to trust people, sometimes it's easy to shut them out completely at times and pretend they don't exist but that's not how the real world works. Remember this, some people can be trusted, the world isn't all bad. Enjoy being in love. Sometimes you'll be confused, you'll think that you don't know what you want and that's okay. Take some time for yourself to work it out. Don't forget that you need time to be yourself and think about what you need too.

Sadly, friends are disposable. Pretty soon you're going to feel very, very alone. Don't do what you feel you need to do right now. It wont make anything go away. You can't forget about something completely with faded reminders on you. You're better than that. If people don't want to treat you right as a friend then they aren't worth holding on to. Don't pretend you're something you aren't to get friends either. Keeping up that image is hard work and your 'friends' won't know the real you. It's not worth faking who you are. It'll make you miserable, you wont be able to tell anyone your sad because the reason is you're lying to make them like you. Be yourself, one day you're going to meet an amazing bunch of people, they're going to love you and care about you and you can trust them. You might not feel like it but you can. One more thing about friends, you'll be surprised who your closest friend is. Don't let them go.

Some of this probably doesn't make sense to you right now, until you get to various points in your life you wont understand. Rest assured that you're going to make it. You're going to be great, start believing it.

Yours,

You.

P.S Don't give up singing, it's part of who you are.