It really will be okay.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! It's been so long, I know. I hope that by the end of this post, you might understand why that is. As you know, my reasoning for writing these is so that I can share my personal experiences with you and as always offer help, support and advice to anyone who needs it. I there is anything I have learned in the last six months it's that there are some things you shouldn't face alone. As always, you can reach me via Email, Kershiafield@hotmail.co.uk, or via twitter @ItsOnlyKershia.

Hello my lovelies! *waves*, I'm still here! I suppose firstly I should give you all an update on what I'm up to right now before I get on to the reason behind this post. I'm still at University studying towards my English Language and Creative Writing degree, I have two years left before I graduate and get sent off into the world with my piece of paper that says 'I've done education! Employ me!' That and about £50.000 worth of debt, hooray student loans! I still work for KFC which I have now done for a grand total of 4 years and I've just about managed to stay on the sane side (though even that is debatable...). I'm still set on being a teacher one day, preferably to younger kids because I apparently have the patience of a saint when it comes to small children. I currently still help to run the University's Acapella Society, which stresses me out, takes over my life and drives me to insanity at times. I wouldn't have it any other way, I love every single one of the people in it and seeing them make great music makes it all worthwhile. Not only that, but some of them have become my closest and most trusted friends. Other than that, there's not much new with me, so I feel I should get on with this post.

The reason that this post is called 'It really will be okay' is because I have spent the last 7 months thinking that it won't be and wondering if I will ever get out of that mindset. To say that it was a really hard time for me is an understatement. Admitting this is scary, but I am very lucky to be here right now. On more than one occasion, I have thought about ending it all and on one occasion I attempted it and almost succeeded. Even writing that down in black and white is hard. I will never forget how I felt that night, to feel so lost, alone and scared of myself and yet feeling like there was no other option. I never want to feel like that again and I pray to god that none of my friends or anyone I love has to feel that way.

In January, I started to spiral out of control. My mental health deteriorated to the point where all I wanted to do was drink to forget that I was sad, for a while it made me feel better but doing so it made me feel worse in the long term. Every day became a struggle and mentally I was falling apart. I knew that around me I had people that loved me and yet I had lost so much and that was all I could focus on. The things I wanted weren't there anymore. I was an empty shell of a person, I felt nothing but pain and still tried to plaster a smile on my face for the benefit of the people around me. People would tell me that I was going to be okay and I wouldn't believe it. At first it was just horrible crippling depression, but then it got a whole lot worse.

Anxiety and depression are two things that often go hand in hand and I have suffered with both for as long as I can remember. Given the way that I was treating myself in terms of abusing alcohol and distancing myself from people, it was only a matter of time before it came back. It was gradual at first, if I felt an attack coming I would very quickly leave the room I was in (though in most scenarios, I was alone) and lock myself away until I had regulated my breathing and stopped myself from shaking and crying. Even now, I can't begin to tell you how horrible it is when that happens. I felt like I was about to pass out because I couldn't breathe. As time went on they became more frequent and I had to take time off work because it would happen unexpectedly. They became a massive burden and yet I still couldn't see a way to get over everything that had happened. I thought a lot about home, about the people that I had lost. I still don't regret the choices I made a year ago, but it sure hurts knowing that the people who you need probably aren't giving you a second thought,

Eventually I started spending a lot of time with certain people, trying to learn to trust people and open up about how I was really feeling. At first it didn't work. With my anxiety through the roof, it meant that my best friends saw a side to me I never wanted them to see. I felt weak, pathetic and somehow even more alone. I didn't want to be treated differently because I was screwed up and even though I was promised nothing would change, it did. I don't blame them for it at all, in a way it kind of made things easier. It meant I didn't have to hide so much anymore, since they had already seen the mess that I was. Still, even with friends around me, I didn't think it was possible but I got worse.

This is definitely the hardest part of this post. Those who have read the blogs before this or know me very personally know that I've struggled with self harm before and it scares me to see this finally written down, but I fell back into old habits and started to take all of the sadness and hurt out on myself. To me it became a way of punishment. I felt like I deserved to hurt after all the hurt I had caused to other people. It also became a way of control, it was an outlet that allowed me to vent my feelings without hurting anyone around me. It was a release, the pain and the act itself would calm me down somehow. At my lowest point, where I felt I was losing it completely I had this way of reminding myself that I was in control of my pain, and at the time, that felt good. I'm glad to say now that I don't feel the need to do that anymore, and hopefully I never will again. The reminders of this point in my life are still there, and won't be going away any time soon. At first, I was ashamed of them, but I'm not so much any more. I've learned that nobody should be ashamed to admit that they've struggled, to say that they have hurt. In sharing this with you readers, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm not proud by any means, but I won't be ashamed either.

During the time that all of this was happening, I missed a lot of university contact time and deadlines.  I had begun the year doing well, getting 1sts and 2:1s in everything that I had submitted. Realising that I had a talent for what I was doing, believing in my own potential. Once I got ill, that all went away and I couldn't bring myself to go and continue doing what I loved, I missed so much I worried that I was going to be made to leave and in that moment I realised I wasn't ready to give up on what I loved. I wanted to be here, I had something to fight for. After much stress and conversations with important people, I was told that I was being allowed to repeat my second year beginning this September. It was like I could breathe for the first time in months. I vowed to myself in that moment that I was going to do everything I could to get better and finish what I came here to do.

Since that day, it really has been a long uphill struggle, but then I suppose it would be when you're coming back from being so low. I'm back in Uni, I work hard, I write more because that's a better outlet when I need it (and of course, I love doing it!) I'm seeing someone new, another scary step for me. things are finally going right and I can finally say, I'm happy. I'm not confident enough to say that I'm completely better, I do still have days where I find things hard, but I'm getting there.
There are a lot of people that deserve more than just thanks for what they have done in the last few months. They quite literally have saved my life. They know who they are and I will never be able to tell them enough how happy I am to have them, how much I love them, how grateful I am that they never gave up on me. Thank you for not letting me sink when it was all I thought I wanted. Thank you so much for helping me through and showing me that there are other opportunities to be happy.

Please, if any one of you has read this and is going through any of this stuff, I can not stress this enough. PLEASE seek help, you are not on your own. I know it feels like that but I promise you no matter how down you feel now, It really will be okay.