It really will be okay.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! It's been so long, I know. I hope that by the end of this post, you might understand why that is. As you know, my reasoning for writing these is so that I can share my personal experiences with you and as always offer help, support and advice to anyone who needs it. I there is anything I have learned in the last six months it's that there are some things you shouldn't face alone. As always, you can reach me via Email, Kershiafield@hotmail.co.uk, or via twitter @ItsOnlyKershia.

Hello my lovelies! *waves*, I'm still here! I suppose firstly I should give you all an update on what I'm up to right now before I get on to the reason behind this post. I'm still at University studying towards my English Language and Creative Writing degree, I have two years left before I graduate and get sent off into the world with my piece of paper that says 'I've done education! Employ me!' That and about £50.000 worth of debt, hooray student loans! I still work for KFC which I have now done for a grand total of 4 years and I've just about managed to stay on the sane side (though even that is debatable...). I'm still set on being a teacher one day, preferably to younger kids because I apparently have the patience of a saint when it comes to small children. I currently still help to run the University's Acapella Society, which stresses me out, takes over my life and drives me to insanity at times. I wouldn't have it any other way, I love every single one of the people in it and seeing them make great music makes it all worthwhile. Not only that, but some of them have become my closest and most trusted friends. Other than that, there's not much new with me, so I feel I should get on with this post.

The reason that this post is called 'It really will be okay' is because I have spent the last 7 months thinking that it won't be and wondering if I will ever get out of that mindset. To say that it was a really hard time for me is an understatement. Admitting this is scary, but I am very lucky to be here right now. On more than one occasion, I have thought about ending it all and on one occasion I attempted it and almost succeeded. Even writing that down in black and white is hard. I will never forget how I felt that night, to feel so lost, alone and scared of myself and yet feeling like there was no other option. I never want to feel like that again and I pray to god that none of my friends or anyone I love has to feel that way.

In January, I started to spiral out of control. My mental health deteriorated to the point where all I wanted to do was drink to forget that I was sad, for a while it made me feel better but doing so it made me feel worse in the long term. Every day became a struggle and mentally I was falling apart. I knew that around me I had people that loved me and yet I had lost so much and that was all I could focus on. The things I wanted weren't there anymore. I was an empty shell of a person, I felt nothing but pain and still tried to plaster a smile on my face for the benefit of the people around me. People would tell me that I was going to be okay and I wouldn't believe it. At first it was just horrible crippling depression, but then it got a whole lot worse.

Anxiety and depression are two things that often go hand in hand and I have suffered with both for as long as I can remember. Given the way that I was treating myself in terms of abusing alcohol and distancing myself from people, it was only a matter of time before it came back. It was gradual at first, if I felt an attack coming I would very quickly leave the room I was in (though in most scenarios, I was alone) and lock myself away until I had regulated my breathing and stopped myself from shaking and crying. Even now, I can't begin to tell you how horrible it is when that happens. I felt like I was about to pass out because I couldn't breathe. As time went on they became more frequent and I had to take time off work because it would happen unexpectedly. They became a massive burden and yet I still couldn't see a way to get over everything that had happened. I thought a lot about home, about the people that I had lost. I still don't regret the choices I made a year ago, but it sure hurts knowing that the people who you need probably aren't giving you a second thought,

Eventually I started spending a lot of time with certain people, trying to learn to trust people and open up about how I was really feeling. At first it didn't work. With my anxiety through the roof, it meant that my best friends saw a side to me I never wanted them to see. I felt weak, pathetic and somehow even more alone. I didn't want to be treated differently because I was screwed up and even though I was promised nothing would change, it did. I don't blame them for it at all, in a way it kind of made things easier. It meant I didn't have to hide so much anymore, since they had already seen the mess that I was. Still, even with friends around me, I didn't think it was possible but I got worse.

This is definitely the hardest part of this post. Those who have read the blogs before this or know me very personally know that I've struggled with self harm before and it scares me to see this finally written down, but I fell back into old habits and started to take all of the sadness and hurt out on myself. To me it became a way of punishment. I felt like I deserved to hurt after all the hurt I had caused to other people. It also became a way of control, it was an outlet that allowed me to vent my feelings without hurting anyone around me. It was a release, the pain and the act itself would calm me down somehow. At my lowest point, where I felt I was losing it completely I had this way of reminding myself that I was in control of my pain, and at the time, that felt good. I'm glad to say now that I don't feel the need to do that anymore, and hopefully I never will again. The reminders of this point in my life are still there, and won't be going away any time soon. At first, I was ashamed of them, but I'm not so much any more. I've learned that nobody should be ashamed to admit that they've struggled, to say that they have hurt. In sharing this with you readers, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm not proud by any means, but I won't be ashamed either.

During the time that all of this was happening, I missed a lot of university contact time and deadlines.  I had begun the year doing well, getting 1sts and 2:1s in everything that I had submitted. Realising that I had a talent for what I was doing, believing in my own potential. Once I got ill, that all went away and I couldn't bring myself to go and continue doing what I loved, I missed so much I worried that I was going to be made to leave and in that moment I realised I wasn't ready to give up on what I loved. I wanted to be here, I had something to fight for. After much stress and conversations with important people, I was told that I was being allowed to repeat my second year beginning this September. It was like I could breathe for the first time in months. I vowed to myself in that moment that I was going to do everything I could to get better and finish what I came here to do.

Since that day, it really has been a long uphill struggle, but then I suppose it would be when you're coming back from being so low. I'm back in Uni, I work hard, I write more because that's a better outlet when I need it (and of course, I love doing it!) I'm seeing someone new, another scary step for me. things are finally going right and I can finally say, I'm happy. I'm not confident enough to say that I'm completely better, I do still have days where I find things hard, but I'm getting there.
There are a lot of people that deserve more than just thanks for what they have done in the last few months. They quite literally have saved my life. They know who they are and I will never be able to tell them enough how happy I am to have them, how much I love them, how grateful I am that they never gave up on me. Thank you for not letting me sink when it was all I thought I wanted. Thank you so much for helping me through and showing me that there are other opportunities to be happy.

Please, if any one of you has read this and is going through any of this stuff, I can not stress this enough. PLEASE seek help, you are not on your own. I know it feels like that but I promise you no matter how down you feel now, It really will be okay.

The crazy life that is, university.

It occurs to me that in all the time I've been Blogging I haven't done a single post about University life. Which is ridiculous because at this point it's one of the things I know best at this point. For me, uni has been one of the most challenging and incredible experiences so far and I dread the day I have to say goodbye to it all. So, I made a list of some of the things I've learned about university life!

1) Freedom ruins your sleeping pattern. When I got here I was able to get up at 6.30am every single day without fail regardless of what time I fell asleep and still be a fully functioning human. Now, I struggle to get up before 10.30am. When I was a fresher, there was a 90% chance I wouldn't actually see the morning at all. Since I had the freedom and flexibility of more free time and a completely different timetable to the one I had been used to my entire school life, it became really easy to slip into the habit of having '5 more minutes' in bed. 50 times.

2) There's only so far you can go just blagging it.  I'll be honest, I did no revision at all for my GCSEs and next to nothing for my A levels. In hindsight that was irresponsible sure, but I have never been a person that could stare at books and force myself to remember facts and figures. If I am studying a subject I love, I'm very good at remembering things about it, for my A levels that's exactly what I did. I didn't revise for anything and I still got better grades than I was predicted. In first year of Uni, you can kind of get away with that sort of thing too, a lot of my first year language classes were on things I had already covered at A level. It made freshers that much better knowing I could be reckless and pass! In second year, I quickly realised that I would have to buck my ideas up and do a lot of extra research and reading, how else was I going to get any better? If you want to succeed in your subject, the best thing to do is read things from the people who already have.

3) Yes, you should definitely drink that. Students are the most insane people to drink with. Ever. On my first night out here a guy downed an entire bottle of Vodka on the bus to the venue and I could see by his face that it certainly wasn't anything close to his first drink. I have no idea where that guy is, hopefully he's still alive... I'd had drinks and been drunk plenty of times before coming to Uni, but I had never seen so many people let their hair down and go crazy before and it made me feel so young and free! You are only young once, now is the time to live life and do the crazy stupid things that you won't get away with when you're older. If you're playing a drinking game and you're the one necking the dirty pint which may or may not contain milk, saliva, Guinness, washing up liquid and a few floating Cheerios, just do it. You get one shot to make a total prat of yourself with a bunch of people doing the exact same thing, and it's not the worst thing you could be doing!

4) Family means more than just blood ties Since being here I've met so many incredible people that have made me feel special and wanted and have supported me when I have truly needed them. Being thrown into a flat with 9 other complete strangers was terrifying and I never would have thought I'd be as close to them I as am now. When I came here I was a shy girl with few real friends and now I'm surrounded by the best friends I could ask for. Don't be afraid to join a society either, you'll find you meet people with similar interests and hobbies and it's a great way to make friends. My society is my life now, I can't imagine not being a part of it and not knowing all of the talented people I get to share it with.We're so incredibly close knit and I'm thankful every day for them.

5) Welcome to the Library It's going to happen without a doubt, you will procrastinate for too long or you will totally forget about that deadline in three days time that you haven't even planned for yet and you will temporarily move into the library. 24 hour library hours are a god sent gift to the student that repeatedly procrastinates. (Me, I mean come on, I'm blogging not working!) I can not count the number of times I've bought 6 cans of redbull and spent 15 hours typing frantically and trying to make it look as though I really did draft the work 4 times instead of two. Fortunately, I'm only a second year so I don't permanently reside there yet, but next year I can say goodbye to my social life.

6) Experimental cooking Towards the end of the month, when I blew two weeks budget on a dominoes, I start to run out of money and haven't got all that much food in so I start to try strange and sometimes wonderful things with the few things I have left. Pasta mixed with Dorito salsa, or boiled in water with a beef stock cube in it. Rice mixed with ketchup in a toastie. Adding Chilli powder to everything because it needs flavour. You will try some weird combos and you'll find some that you actually like. A balanced died isn't a thing many students manage to keep to, so be prepared to try some bizarre things!

7) Some things aren't forever, and that's okay. When I came to Uni I had a boyfriend and to this day he is one of the most amazing people I have ever been lucky enough to know. I was sure that we were end game, that I would spend my life with him and I thought without a doubt that that was what I wanted. In January I realised things had changed and that I had bigger wants and needs, I still to this day love him very much, but not in that way anymore. For me that was a scary concept because all of a sudden I'm back in the dating pool which I haven't done since I was 17 and that was with an entirely different bunch of people. Slowly I'm learning how to embrace being single as a student, it's fun and crazy and at times a lot of fun. Don't be afraid to embrace single student life!

8) It's okay to cry sometimes I can not count the number of times I've cried since coming here, as a person who hates showing emotions in front of people, it was something I found (and still find) really hard to do. Whether it was work getting me down, relationship trouble, running out of money or even if I just really missed my Mum, my flatmates last year helped me see that it was okay to cry with them, because we were friends and they wanted to be there for me. There will be times where Uni gets overwhelming, it's a totally new situation and you can find yourself feeling very alone. It's natural to feel emotional about things and it's okay to cry!

9) Adulting is hard As a student I'm in that wonderful in between place where people treat me as an adult but I'm not completely sure how to do half of the adult things I should know. I don't know how to pay bills yet, I don't have a full time job, I still love watching kids cartoons and playing Mario Kart. Thinking about it now, being a student is like being one step up from your average teenager, with a lot more sex, alcohol and strange life choices. However, I can also see the difference in myself as a person from before I got here and now. I learned that some people can't be trusted, I learned that in order to be an adult you have to take responsibility for your own actions and live with the consequences of them. I learned to stop taking crap from the people who made me feel low, I learned to talk to people, I learned that love is confusing and messy and fairy tale romance isn't real life. Most importantly, I learned who the people I can rely on are, the ones I can call at 3am when I'm a drunk and emotional mess.

What is the right thing?

This post may not make much sense to a lot of you, it also may not be my best writing and it may seen a bit jumbled and confused and for that I apologise. Its because I'm using this post as a way of trying to organise my own thoughts as they come. I'm hoping that by the end of it I'll have a clearer idea of the decisions I need to make.

Someone once told me that it isn't the choice that we fear, but it's the outcome. I never really understood that until now. When you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between two paths it's difficult. You could be happy with either choice in the beginning, but in the long term how can you possibly know how that choice will turn out? We try and predict the outcome of things. I've been trying to imagine conversations in my head about how things will go to the point where they're almost perfectly scripted. But having conversations in real life isn't like that, we don't get to choose how other people react and what they say and this only makes the choices more confusing. If we could just assume correctly it wouldn't be difficult, but we can't and it leaves us sort of blind.

Since we can't rely on other people to make these decisions for us and we can't predict any outcome we have to consider things that we can't always rely on. Our emotions. How we feel in our gut about something or someone is usually the only thing we can rely on at this point. Our emotions leave us vulnerable and they're raw. We don't necessarily like them either, which is how we know we can trust them. They're unavoidable and they're it's something we don't have a choice in. After we work out how we truly feel and after we admit that to ourselves, then we can start to decide what the right choice to make is.

If someone turned around and asked me what I thought the right thing to do was, I could answer them in a heartbeat. If someone asked me what I truly feel the right thing to do is, I can't say that I'd react in the same way. I have a tendency to try and ignore my emotional attachment to anything. A lot of the time I pretend that I don't care so much about anything even though deep down I know that I do (and so now does everyone reading this..) I don't like to get emotional, I hate crying and feeling things that I don't understand. Emotions terrify me so I shut them off. It makes it so much harder to work out what to do. I worry sometimes that If  really open up to people, I wont be able to stop. I pride myself on being a person that is there for everyone else, I don't like the thought of needing people and I try and deal with everything on my own. I guess that could be making it ever harder for me, I hate the idea of going to someone and asking them to talk it through with me. I don't like the thought that in that process I may admit something to another person that I hadn't even admitted to myself yet.

I believe that it's human nature to want to do the right thing. By this, I don't mean doing what is morally right, I mean doing what is right for ourselves which sometimes means that we have to be a little selfish. We want to make the choices that will give us the best outcome. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where it's really hard to determine which path we have to choose. I'm in one of those situations right now and I can safely say that it's not easy.

'Real integrity is doing the right thing knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not' - Oprah Winfrey

What is love?

A lot of people describe love as something that can't be controlled, an invisible force that pushes two people together for no particular reason. The may call it fate or destiny. It's never questioned. Nobody ever wonders why it happens, it's just assumed that hat's the way it is and we can spend our whole lives with a person and still assume our love for them is something that we can't control. In some cases I accept that this is really true. But I think if we look at the broader meaning of love, we can question whether it really is this invisible force, or something a lot simpler.

For me, love is about appreciating what is good about another person. It's about appreciating the aspects of them that a lot of people might not see. For this reason I believe love can be a choice. You can create it. If you focus on the good in another person (yes, everyone has some good in them) then you can learn to love them. We can choose to love something unconditionally without even knowing if it is real or not. Look at faith and religion. Look at how many people devote themselves to their faith and love their Gods, through choice even if around them people are saying that they shouldn't believe because there are so many flaws in their faith. Nobody has forced that view upon them, nobody can make them believe and love something but themselves. The same thing works with people, you can choose to black out the bad in someone completely, you can devote yourself to a person even if other people are telling you that you shouldn't. You choose to love that person regardless of what everyone else says.

Take this scenario. A man and woman have been married for 10 years and the marriage isn't working out anymore, they divorce, but they remain really good friends. Do they still love each other? Their relationship might have broken down yes, but does that necessarily mean that the love stops? At the end of a marriage different things can happen, the couple can decide that they still love each other and have a mutual understanding that although they feel that way, they've chosen to end the marriage but continue to love and respect one another OR the two parties can go at each others throats and decide that they don't love or want each other in their lives anymore. OR one party can choose to love the other party regardless of the fact that it's clear the other person doesn't feel that way.

If a friend does something to annoy you, you can still choose to love them rather than fall out with them over it. If you have a fight with your parents you can choose whether you love them or not afterwards, it's not a case of 'I have to love them, they're family' rather a 'I'm choosing to forgive them and love them again because....'. Love is a choice. It's a decision you make every single day, you can choose to continue to love someone, or you can decide that you can't or don't want to love them anymore. You can choose to keep seeing past all of their flaws or not to. More often than not, the imperfections to a person is something that is missed the most. I for one know that I miss the way that he leaves his clothes on the floor or the way he would curl up and kick me out off bed by accident. I know that no invisible force makes me feel that way, but rather the way I chose to see an imperfect person in a perfect way. It works the other way too. You can choose to let someone love you or not. I know that personally I have a lot of boundaries up when it comes to letting anyone close to me, but I chose to let myself be loved by someone and I chose to let them get to know me and get close to me. I chose to let my friends know me as they chose to let me know them. All of it is a choice, love is not an emotion or a feeling, but an action and a choice.

Social anxiety is not just 'being shy'...

I've had this blog in mind for a while, but never quite managed to structure it quite right. Hopefully, this will give some of you that aren't so aware an insight to what Social anxiety actually is and maybe how to help people deal with it.

It's very easy to miss the signs of social anxiety in a person, or dismiss anything that you can see as them just being shy. With friends who suffer from social anxiety disorder I understand how difficult it is for them to do every day things like going to the shops or sitting in a classroom. I also understand how hard it is when people just think they're being antisocial or rude when they choose not to go out or be a part of the group. Social anxiety isn't just feeling a little bit nervous around people, it can be an intense and overwhelming fear over the most every day occurrences that make life hard. People affected by it might also fear doing or saying something humiliating in public. Social anxiety can disrupt normal life in various ways. Relationships between people can be difficult to establish and in some cases between friends they can be strained. It can be hard to concentrate at school or work for fear of doing something embarrassing or feeling uncomfortable with the number and proximity of the people around you.

The signs of social anxiety include low self esteem, dreading every day activities such as working or even speaking on the phone, fear of criticism and avoiding eye contact with others. In many cases, a sufferer can feel like they're going crazy or feel like people are constantly looking at them. Substance abuse is common with those desperate to eradicate any sign of nervousness. Panic attacks are also a symptom of Social anxiety, people can be so overwhelmed and scared in social situations that their emotions build up. They can also have physical symptoms like sweating, nausea and heart palpitations. People with social anxiety can often suffer with other mental illnesses like Depression, GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), or PTS (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to help people who suffer with social anxiety, including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), supported self help, antidepressants and psychotherapy.

It can be really easy for people who don't know the signs of social anxiety to say things that are hurtful without realising. Sufferers don't want to hear 'What do YOU have to worry about?' and 'Stop being weird', because it's hard enough for them to come to terms with let alone trying to explain to other people. People who don't understand what social anxiety is can say, 'Pull yourself together or you'll look like an idiot' which just makes the sufferer feel worse. Possibly the worst thing that can be said is 'It's all in your head'. Yes, it's a mental illness. Yes, it's in your head and it's not physical, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt people. Saying that is like implying that the illness doesn't even exist or isn't important, which is just plain ridiculous. I can't stress this point enough, MENTAL ILLNESS MATTERS. Ignore the people who say otherwise, they clearly don't have a clue.

A letter to 16 year old me.

Dear Kershia,

Everything seems really hard right now. You just had that horrible break up, your exams are coming up, you still haven't figured out what to say in your sixth form interview. You're not even sure you want to go to sixth form. Your friends don't feel like your friends any more, you feel like the outsider. I know that right now you feel like giving up, but I'm here to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't. Because believe it or not, it really will get better.

You're going to do well in your exams, just start believing that you can do it. You're clever enough and you know it, stop doodling in maths lessons and listen to Mrs Petersen when she talks about Trigonometry, maybe then you won't find it so hard. I know you hate Maths, but it's useful. You like Chemistry, it kind of makes sense to know Maths too. It'll make you better! A for your English coursework, ignore what she thinks. Writing about what you believe is important shows you have passion and that can produce some brilliant writing. Don't doubt yourself or your work, because if it makes you happy then it's already the best work you can produce.

Sixth form seems like a really horrible option right now, I know that you just want to do drama. Drama is fine and it will do a lot of things for you, but don't forget that it's really hard to break into the industry. I know you love it, I wouldn't try and change your mind about choosing it because I know that it will do you some real good. You're not always going to be socially awkward, pretending to be someone else will help your confidence massively and you'll meet some people who share your love for drama. Plus, you need something to look forward to. When everything gets too much it's good to have an outlet. As for your other subjects, pick the things that you're good at, not the things that everyone else thinks you should pick. Yes, maths is useful, but realistically can you do it at a higher level?

Guys will continue to suck 99.9% of the time, I know it feels like your world has come crashing down and that you'll never feel that way again, but you will. Things heal over time, it wont hurt so much and you'll learn to love again. You'll even find someone that loves you. Don't be afraid to love them back, they're not going anywhere. It's hard to trust people, sometimes it's easy to shut them out completely at times and pretend they don't exist but that's not how the real world works. Remember this, some people can be trusted, the world isn't all bad. Enjoy being in love. Sometimes you'll be confused, you'll think that you don't know what you want and that's okay. Take some time for yourself to work it out. Don't forget that you need time to be yourself and think about what you need too.

Sadly, friends are disposable. Pretty soon you're going to feel very, very alone. Don't do what you feel you need to do right now. It wont make anything go away. You can't forget about something completely with faded reminders on you. You're better than that. If people don't want to treat you right as a friend then they aren't worth holding on to. Don't pretend you're something you aren't to get friends either. Keeping up that image is hard work and your 'friends' won't know the real you. It's not worth faking who you are. It'll make you miserable, you wont be able to tell anyone your sad because the reason is you're lying to make them like you. Be yourself, one day you're going to meet an amazing bunch of people, they're going to love you and care about you and you can trust them. You might not feel like it but you can. One more thing about friends, you'll be surprised who your closest friend is. Don't let them go.

Some of this probably doesn't make sense to you right now, until you get to various points in your life you wont understand. Rest assured that you're going to make it. You're going to be great, start believing it.

Yours,

You.

P.S Don't give up singing, it's part of who you are.

Yes, it's been a month but....

I'm really sorry for sucking with blogs lately to anyone that does actually read them, I've been working through some personal issues and haven't really had the time to think about anything other than how I'm going to get by. I'm back now though, things have improved somewhat and I finally feel like I can get myself back on track again.

This time I want to talk about judgement. People are so quick to judge others, even if they have absolutely no idea who that person is. Example? Today I was walking through town and I saw three pretty young girls walk past me, I heard one of them mention the scarring on my arm and then heard another say "dirty tramp". I didn't even know them and I'm not going to lie, it hurt. Yes, I have scars. Normally I would do my best to hide them, but it was a warm day and I felt like wearing a sleeveless top. Why should I have to hide my body for fear of getting judged by others? I don't want to walk around in jumpers for the rest of my life.  Now I understand that it might be hard for people to understand why I have the scars, but that is no reason for them to call me names and say hurtful things.

My scars are a constant reminder of a part of my life where I felt really low. I don't particularly like having them there, I regret that they happened. But I'm not ashamed of them, because I'm not ashamed to say that yeah,  I felt low. It's not a crime to feel sad, is it? It took a long time for me to feel secure and happy enough to wear the clothes that I liked, even now I still have days where I look in the mirror and feel repulsed by what I see, but those days are becoming less frequent now.

Since coming to uni I don't think I've actually had anything horrible said about me like that, so it kind of came as a shock. I was getting used to feeling comfortable about my body and getting to a point where I didn't mind wearing figure hugging clothes again, or maybe getting my arms and legs out. It felt like a kick to the gut. But, seeing as I'd recieved similar comments the rest of my life, I just took it on the chin, held my head high and told myself that they didn't know me and that they were stupid naive little kids.

I don't particularly care about it, but it made me realise that so many people must go through it. So many people cover up their bodies because they are scared of what people will say and think of them and to them I say this, you are beautiful. Don't cover yourself up, don't be ashamed of the choices that you made. You shouldn't be ashamed that you felt depressed or alone. Nobody reserves the right to judge you on it, if people don't understand or don't like the way that you look, fuck them. It's your life, it's your body.  Love yourself for who you are not who anybody tells you to be.

People who don't follow the latest fashion trends or don't style their hair every day, or wear clashing colours or the same pair of trainers over and over again are still people. If that is how they choose to dress and live their life then the shouldn't be judged. If men choose to wear "female" clothes or vice versa, they shouldn't be judged. If someone wants to dye their hair bright blue and run around wearing gold lamé trousers then we shouldnt judge them. If we were more accepting of the things that make people happy, the world would be a much better place.