Social anxiety is not just 'being shy'...

I've had this blog in mind for a while, but never quite managed to structure it quite right. Hopefully, this will give some of you that aren't so aware an insight to what Social anxiety actually is and maybe how to help people deal with it.

It's very easy to miss the signs of social anxiety in a person, or dismiss anything that you can see as them just being shy. With friends who suffer from social anxiety disorder I understand how difficult it is for them to do every day things like going to the shops or sitting in a classroom. I also understand how hard it is when people just think they're being antisocial or rude when they choose not to go out or be a part of the group. Social anxiety isn't just feeling a little bit nervous around people, it can be an intense and overwhelming fear over the most every day occurrences that make life hard. People affected by it might also fear doing or saying something humiliating in public. Social anxiety can disrupt normal life in various ways. Relationships between people can be difficult to establish and in some cases between friends they can be strained. It can be hard to concentrate at school or work for fear of doing something embarrassing or feeling uncomfortable with the number and proximity of the people around you.

The signs of social anxiety include low self esteem, dreading every day activities such as working or even speaking on the phone, fear of criticism and avoiding eye contact with others. In many cases, a sufferer can feel like they're going crazy or feel like people are constantly looking at them. Substance abuse is common with those desperate to eradicate any sign of nervousness. Panic attacks are also a symptom of Social anxiety, people can be so overwhelmed and scared in social situations that their emotions build up. They can also have physical symptoms like sweating, nausea and heart palpitations. People with social anxiety can often suffer with other mental illnesses like Depression, GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), or PTS (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to help people who suffer with social anxiety, including CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), supported self help, antidepressants and psychotherapy.

It can be really easy for people who don't know the signs of social anxiety to say things that are hurtful without realising. Sufferers don't want to hear 'What do YOU have to worry about?' and 'Stop being weird', because it's hard enough for them to come to terms with let alone trying to explain to other people. People who don't understand what social anxiety is can say, 'Pull yourself together or you'll look like an idiot' which just makes the sufferer feel worse. Possibly the worst thing that can be said is 'It's all in your head'. Yes, it's a mental illness. Yes, it's in your head and it's not physical, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt people. Saying that is like implying that the illness doesn't even exist or isn't important, which is just plain ridiculous. I can't stress this point enough, MENTAL ILLNESS MATTERS. Ignore the people who say otherwise, they clearly don't have a clue.

A letter to 16 year old me.

Dear Kershia,

Everything seems really hard right now. You just had that horrible break up, your exams are coming up, you still haven't figured out what to say in your sixth form interview. You're not even sure you want to go to sixth form. Your friends don't feel like your friends any more, you feel like the outsider. I know that right now you feel like giving up, but I'm here to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't. Because believe it or not, it really will get better.

You're going to do well in your exams, just start believing that you can do it. You're clever enough and you know it, stop doodling in maths lessons and listen to Mrs Petersen when she talks about Trigonometry, maybe then you won't find it so hard. I know you hate Maths, but it's useful. You like Chemistry, it kind of makes sense to know Maths too. It'll make you better! A for your English coursework, ignore what she thinks. Writing about what you believe is important shows you have passion and that can produce some brilliant writing. Don't doubt yourself or your work, because if it makes you happy then it's already the best work you can produce.

Sixth form seems like a really horrible option right now, I know that you just want to do drama. Drama is fine and it will do a lot of things for you, but don't forget that it's really hard to break into the industry. I know you love it, I wouldn't try and change your mind about choosing it because I know that it will do you some real good. You're not always going to be socially awkward, pretending to be someone else will help your confidence massively and you'll meet some people who share your love for drama. Plus, you need something to look forward to. When everything gets too much it's good to have an outlet. As for your other subjects, pick the things that you're good at, not the things that everyone else thinks you should pick. Yes, maths is useful, but realistically can you do it at a higher level?

Guys will continue to suck 99.9% of the time, I know it feels like your world has come crashing down and that you'll never feel that way again, but you will. Things heal over time, it wont hurt so much and you'll learn to love again. You'll even find someone that loves you. Don't be afraid to love them back, they're not going anywhere. It's hard to trust people, sometimes it's easy to shut them out completely at times and pretend they don't exist but that's not how the real world works. Remember this, some people can be trusted, the world isn't all bad. Enjoy being in love. Sometimes you'll be confused, you'll think that you don't know what you want and that's okay. Take some time for yourself to work it out. Don't forget that you need time to be yourself and think about what you need too.

Sadly, friends are disposable. Pretty soon you're going to feel very, very alone. Don't do what you feel you need to do right now. It wont make anything go away. You can't forget about something completely with faded reminders on you. You're better than that. If people don't want to treat you right as a friend then they aren't worth holding on to. Don't pretend you're something you aren't to get friends either. Keeping up that image is hard work and your 'friends' won't know the real you. It's not worth faking who you are. It'll make you miserable, you wont be able to tell anyone your sad because the reason is you're lying to make them like you. Be yourself, one day you're going to meet an amazing bunch of people, they're going to love you and care about you and you can trust them. You might not feel like it but you can. One more thing about friends, you'll be surprised who your closest friend is. Don't let them go.

Some of this probably doesn't make sense to you right now, until you get to various points in your life you wont understand. Rest assured that you're going to make it. You're going to be great, start believing it.

Yours,

You.

P.S Don't give up singing, it's part of who you are.

Yes, it's been a month but....

I'm really sorry for sucking with blogs lately to anyone that does actually read them, I've been working through some personal issues and haven't really had the time to think about anything other than how I'm going to get by. I'm back now though, things have improved somewhat and I finally feel like I can get myself back on track again.

This time I want to talk about judgement. People are so quick to judge others, even if they have absolutely no idea who that person is. Example? Today I was walking through town and I saw three pretty young girls walk past me, I heard one of them mention the scarring on my arm and then heard another say "dirty tramp". I didn't even know them and I'm not going to lie, it hurt. Yes, I have scars. Normally I would do my best to hide them, but it was a warm day and I felt like wearing a sleeveless top. Why should I have to hide my body for fear of getting judged by others? I don't want to walk around in jumpers for the rest of my life.  Now I understand that it might be hard for people to understand why I have the scars, but that is no reason for them to call me names and say hurtful things.

My scars are a constant reminder of a part of my life where I felt really low. I don't particularly like having them there, I regret that they happened. But I'm not ashamed of them, because I'm not ashamed to say that yeah,  I felt low. It's not a crime to feel sad, is it? It took a long time for me to feel secure and happy enough to wear the clothes that I liked, even now I still have days where I look in the mirror and feel repulsed by what I see, but those days are becoming less frequent now.

Since coming to uni I don't think I've actually had anything horrible said about me like that, so it kind of came as a shock. I was getting used to feeling comfortable about my body and getting to a point where I didn't mind wearing figure hugging clothes again, or maybe getting my arms and legs out. It felt like a kick to the gut. But, seeing as I'd recieved similar comments the rest of my life, I just took it on the chin, held my head high and told myself that they didn't know me and that they were stupid naive little kids.

I don't particularly care about it, but it made me realise that so many people must go through it. So many people cover up their bodies because they are scared of what people will say and think of them and to them I say this, you are beautiful. Don't cover yourself up, don't be ashamed of the choices that you made. You shouldn't be ashamed that you felt depressed or alone. Nobody reserves the right to judge you on it, if people don't understand or don't like the way that you look, fuck them. It's your life, it's your body.  Love yourself for who you are not who anybody tells you to be.

People who don't follow the latest fashion trends or don't style their hair every day, or wear clashing colours or the same pair of trainers over and over again are still people. If that is how they choose to dress and live their life then the shouldn't be judged. If men choose to wear "female" clothes or vice versa, they shouldn't be judged. If someone wants to dye their hair bright blue and run around wearing gold lamé trousers then we shouldnt judge them. If we were more accepting of the things that make people happy, the world would be a much better place.

Watch your drinks

I had another blog lined up to post this week, but a lot has happened since then so I apologise but I really feel that I need to say this.

When we see things happening in the news, it's very easy to assume that the horrible things that they talk about will never happen to you. It's a naive way of looking at life and yet we all do it. I know because until very recently I did the same thing. My closest friend was spiked in a club a few days back. To see something like that happen to someone you love is frightening. You never think it'll happen to them or you, you just assume that because you're all together that nothing could go wrong. You don't realise that actually people are always in danger of this, not matter how careful they are. You certainly don't expect to feel the way I do now four days later. Right now, I'm struggling to eat and when I try to sleep I remember that night and I wake up terrified and can't sleep any more, I don't know why it's hit me so hard. I don't know if it's because of who it was that got spiked,  the fact that I couldn't do anything about it, or the fact that I remember everything that was said and remember feeling that I couldn't give any real reassurance. It's more than likely a combination of all of these things. What it's made me realise though is what's really important to me, it highlighted just how much I care about my friends and the lengths I would go to to keep them safe. Things like this really do happen.

I can handle difficult situations at the best of times, but when it hit me that actually this could have killed them I found it hard to keep myself together. I went into shock and started to panic and I genuinely started to think the worst as the night went on. I also started to think that it could have happened to me which is terrifying, after all when a girl is spiked it's usually for one reason. It was a scary experience, things were said that I wish I couldn't remember and someone was hurting and I couldn't take that pain away. Yes, I was lucky enough to not be the person that was spiked, but it could just as easily have happened to me or anyone. So if you are reading this PLEASE for the sake of your own safety and for the sanity of people like me, Don't leave drinks unattended. Don't let anyone give you a drink. Go nowhere without someone you know all the time. Be careful and try to drink responsibly. I don't want to see this happen again to someone I know, especially not someone I care about as much as I do for my friend.

Just to clarify, this happened to a male friend. Yes, guys get spiked too.

Know what you're talking about before you speak.

This has to be one of the few things that really frustrates me. People that feel it is alright to have an opinion on something they know absolutely nothing about. In all honestly, this was something I used to do a lot, about games or films or music just so I could keep up with the 'in' crowd at school which doesn't annoy me so much. What does though, is when people have an opinion on medical problems that they don't understand and they can often say some hurtful things.

Someone said a couple of days ago that "Depression is the way you choose to look at things, you could choose to be happy if you wanted to'. Clearly, this person (whose name I wont mention) knows nothing about Depression yet somehow feels that it's okay to have this opinion. I don't know whether they just fabricated their own idea of what depression is, but this is completely untrue. People don't choose to be happy or sad any more than they can choose who they love. You cannot force yourself to be happy and more than the people around you can. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to be unhappy? Even if you don't know anything about the topic itself, common sense should tell you that much.

This person also went on to say 'You just have to think positively to deal with it'. Now this confirms to me that they really don't fully understand this problem. Happy thoughts aren't a cure for depression any more than a kitkat could cure cancer. Sure, it might make you feel a little better, but in the long term it isn't enough to fix the problem. Picture for me a scale, with books on one side representing all the negativity you may be feeling. On the other end a feather, representing all the happy thoughts you have. The good that happy thoughts can do are minute in comparison to the amount of negativity a person can feel. Not only that, but to try and think so positively all the time is exhausting. Depression is caused by a lack of the chemical Seratonin, it isn't something we can turn on and off. People with depression do know how to be happy, they are able to laugh and joke, it's the times when they can't do that where it becomes an issue.

Someone else genuinely asked "Why are people depressed for?", to me it's suggesting again that people have the choice to be depressed. We can all be happy, sad, confused etc. for no reason. Why does it become a choice with depression? The same person also seemed to believe that "People our age don't get depressed". It was at this point that I lost all faith in younger people and face-palmed so hard my face can still feel it. Naturally, I then tried to think of reasonable explanations for it. Maybe this person was just completely unaware of depression as a illness, maybe he just didn't want to talk about how he actually felt, maybe he was just acting up in front of his friends. I wanted to know what real access to information about depression this person had had, I then found out one of their parents was a GP. Yes, one of his parents actually is a doctor, and still this person seemed to know nothing. They were so naive that they actually said "suicidal people are stupid." I don't even think I need to discuss that one. I just feel bad that young people are not fully educated about things like mental illness, to the point where they don't even acknowledge they exist. I'm not angry at this person, I'm just sad that they haven't got the information to make a proper assessment.

All I can say now is this. If you want to have an opinion on a medical issue, read up on it first. Make sure you know what you're talking about. If you don't you could say things that seriously offend people and in turn make you look like a horrible person. You could become that person that just doesn't get it, and who is going to want to ask you for help if they're suffering?

Value

To start with, I'll apologise for being terrible at this lately! I've had a fair bit of work to do and obviously had to get my priorities sorted before blogging! This is a shorter blog but I hope to have another one up by sunday!

This time, I want to talk about value. What do we value the most? Is it materialistic things? People? Ourselves? I ask this because lately I've struggled to remember what really matters most. After a lot of thinking, I've come to this conclusion. As much I want to say that my own happiness and my own well being is my priority, I can't say that. Because I don't care about what happens to me so much. As for gadgets and clothes and money, I could live without them even though to have them is great. What I value most of all is the people around me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the influence of every person in my life right now. My boyfriend, my best friends, my parents, my sister, all the people I consider to be as close as family. They are the thing I value most in this world.

A lot of people say that I should focus on myself and that nobody else's needs should come before that. To that I say, you're wrong. To help other people and to make sure that those people are happy is what drives me to not give up with everything I have achieved. They are what makes me happy. My needs are secondary to this. If someone is feeling down, I'm there. I don't need anyone to be there in return, that isn't why I do it. I do it because I want to. Maybe I should care more about myself, but I don't. Think of that what you will but  know this, if you need me, I'm a message a phone call or in some cases, a door away. I'd be there for you like a shot.

Short blog I know but for anyone that reads this, I wanted to pose the question to you. What do you value most in life? 

Self harm

First and foremost I want to make the point that self harm IS NOT something done to seek attention, though some naive and desperate people will do so for this reason. However, It's so much more serious than that. Self harm can be the need to feel pain, because of what's happening around you or how you feel on the inside. It is a lonely, frightening and horrible thing for a person to have to go through and as a person who saw it happening to the people around me it was equally distressing. For this blog, i'm going to talk about some of the experiences I had with self harm and for reasons anonymity I'm using different names.

My first real experience with self harm was when I was 13-14. Imagine how it might feel to see cuts and scars appearing on your friend's arms, stomach and legs and not knowing what on earth you could possibly do to help them. As  person that strives to help people, it was really emotionally difficult to see that happening to someone I cared so much about. At first, I didn't understand what was happening and I asked them straight out "Jess what happened to your arms?". I always got the same responses. It was either "Nothing" or "My cats". Looking back I feel like I should have realised immediately what was going on, but as a naive kid who didn't know any better I accepted these excuses because what else could I do? It may sound stupid now, but one night when I got home, I googled 'My friend has cuts on her arm'. The first thing I did was cry when I realised what she'd been doing. Then I was angry at myself for not realising it. Eventually, I couldn't keep ignoring the cuts that seemed to be getting worse and I went to my head of year at school and told them what I had seen. Sometimes even now I wonder if i did the right thing, because doing that made a lot of people stop trusting me and I lost a lot of friends. But as I learned how serious self harm can get, I keep telling myself that I did do the right thing. After all, Jess is still here even if we don't talk any more.

As I got older I realised that looking 'pretty' and being skinny was important, especially in school. Something I learned very quickly was that other people can be really cruel if you give them reason. If you were slightly overweight, you were fat and they would remind you of that every day. If your hair was a mess or you wore it a way that they didn't like, you were ugly and they would remind you of that too. It was really hard to try and figure out what I wanted to be when that was being dictated to me by everyone else. It was important to have friends to me, and if that meant I had to be unhappy then I would do it. After all, it was better to have friends then to be alone. You weren't such an easy target that way. However I soon learned that people would still be mean if you weren't as popular or pretty as them and a lot of horrible things happened to me. A rumour went round that I was gay, and people wouldn't come anywhere near me. I was called fat, ugly, stupid and various other names every single day. Eventually, you start to believe those things. I hated myself so much because I felt like I would never fit in, it got to the point where it felt like no matter how many friends I had I was alone and that nobody understood how it felt. One night it got too much for me and I started to take it out on myself.

This happened for a while and I kept it from everyone. I didn't trust people enough to keep it a secret. I went through it on my own, and I came out the other side on my own I realised that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. My 'friends' weren't really real friends, I stopped caring about whether other people liked what I wore, whether I wore make up, what my hair looked like, how much I weighed, or indeed my sexual orientation. If they wanted to believe I was gay then I'd let them, because what's actually wrong with being gay anyway?. What they saw as my 'flaws' made me who I am today. Let me tell you, It's a lot easier to get on with your life if you're comfortable with yourself.

Don't let other people define you, your happiness is more important than every other person's opinion in the world. I went through it on my own but that doesn't mean that you should. If anyone reading this blog wants to talk about their own problems, I promise I'll help you as much as I can. If anyone reading this had the view that this is just a cry for attention, or that it's used to be 'cool' and fit in with the crowd then I hope I've managed to make you see that in many cases it really isn't.

If anyone has any questions, needs some advice, just wants a friendly chat or wants a request for another blog then please, email me at Kershiafield@hotmail.co.uk or contact me via facebook!